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I've actually been okay. I didn't go to the funeral.. all I needed was to see him in the casket. To know that it was real, that I hadn't dreamed up the whole thing. Even though sometimes it hits me, Matt Cormier is dead. He's gone. It's scary as hell to know that someone can just.. have the life sucked out of them. Like I said in my entry before.. we're just mere humans. As much as we like to think that we are an incredible species.. we are just as fragile as the next organism.
It's been three days I've been working on this entry and never time I get to finish because I don't have time or I'm getting off the 'net, but here I am to finish it. I don't really know what to say anymore. I'm still getting hit by random tidbits of the things he said to me, the things we talked about, things we did. Just random things. Nothing of real importance, just things I had long forgotten about. It's weird how the human mind works like that.
It's frustrating to have death on the mind so much. I want to be happy--and I have been the last two days, but still.. it creeps in and I just get all bummed again.
And if that's not enough to frustrate the average human being, school started this week. I swear this was the longest week of my entire life. And last night didn't help a damn thing. Once again drama at Pizza Shack erupted, but it was NOT my fault. A random comment turned into a huge argument that had end results of getting majorly bitched out by our manager. Urgh.
BUT! Finally, this week has come to a close. Thank goodness, tomorrow morning I get to sleep passed 7:30. OH yes! I have waited for sleep since last Saturday.
- Mood:
dirty - Music:the whir of the ceiling fan
But, the last 3 days have proved that things can happen quickly--and can end quickly.
The human life, our very existence seems to be very fragile. We think of ourselves as these superiors beings that can withstand so much, when in reality, all it takes it something to hit you hard enough...and you're down for the count.
A friend of mine, well, let's be honest, we weren't necessarily friends anymore. We dated around 3 and half years ago. Yes, my "best" friend "took" him away. [Hind sight makes you realize that she never took him away--he went willingly]. We didn't talk much for a while, then we started talking a lot again. As friends of course. Then once I started seriously dating Jeremy, we rarely talked. Just occasionally messaging each other on Myspace... until we just didn't talk for at least a year. Well, he died yesterday.
And it's hitting me pretty hard. I've never known someone that's died. I mean I've known people, both my grandfathers died when I was in 7th grade. What I mean is, I've neverk known someone so young--and actually KNOWN someone--who's died. And it was so suddenly. There was an accident at work.. he went in a coma.. they ran test and concluded he was brain dead. Just like that. Wednesday I'm sure he was laughing, goofing off.. Thursday, he's gone.
The doctors were only giving him a 50/50 chance, and that if he lived, he'd probably never come to. And when I started thinking about it. Don't we all only have a 50/50 chance of living? We're here now, but can be gone tomorrow. It's scary thought, but I'm trying so hard to learn that I need to just get out there and do. You can't worry about what if you die tomorrow-that should be motivation to get out there and LIVE.
Jeremy has been incredibly amazing. At first I refused to cry. Even when I heard the details of what had happened to him after the accident, I refused to show any type of emotion. My head was telling me that if I cried about Matt, Jeremy would be mad at me. So I just held strong. Then, I don't know, I was completely overwhelmed with the thought that the guy I kissed for the very first time, the guy that told me he loved me for the very first time, the guy that I, yes, I had sex with for the very first time... was on his deathbed. Literally. I started to cry, and just couldn't stop. Jeremy just held my hand and was there for me. It made me feel good, feel comfortable. For some reason I was just so afraid he'd be mad.
Well yesterday, I got a text at 5:35 PM: Matt is brain dead robyn hes gone how do u fuckin feel now. Oh yeh. That was coming from one of his ex girlfriends, one of my old best friends. At first I didn't cry. I didn't do much of anything. I was just really factual about it. I was like yeh, Matt died. And I didn't even feel like crying. Then I asked Jeremy if he'd come to his funeral with me.. and I broke down. Just that word.. funeral. It's so real, so final. I was okay for most of the day after that. Just shaken up. But that text message kept nagging me. All I can figure is she's mad because I never showed enough emotion when she called me to tell me he's in a coma. But... I'm just not like that. So now, of course, there is underlying drama. Isn't there always?
I feel better now, writing it all out. Getting the thoughts out of my head. I just think back to when we dated and we did have some really good times. But then I remember, that everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Even death. I'm trying to just focus on the thoughts that I'm alive. And that it can be taken away, so I need to just not think so much. To just go for it. Sadly, I have to use that as just another lesson in life.
And that right there is probably why people think I'm so cold. But it's just my way of coping.
- Location:here in my room
- Mood:
gloomy - Music:nothing
