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School: I made a 92/92 on my accounting test. Hell yes! However, I'm not so sure I did so great on my math test. I really hate math. But after this semester I get the sneaky feeling I'll at least have a good working relationship with it. Between accouting and math I feel like my whole life is about numbers. Well, my school life anyway. My other three classes are going pretty good too. I mean, two of them are computer classes and one of them is a crap class about drugs and society. Which turned out to be a class about how my teacher used to be a drug head *shrugs* it's easy.
Life: Life is pretty good. I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled probably next month. And I'm probably getting braces this summer. Which means I'll probably have braces next year for my 21st birthday. But oh well, I'll have a beautiful smile :]
Me and my parents have been getting along as well as expected. I mean, we argue but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. Me and my real dad though. I don't know what's up with that. I called him a few weeks ago to ask him if I could get on his insurance so that I can get braces and my wisdom teeth pulled. Ever since then he's been acting funny. When he talks to me he talks to me for only a couple of minutes then hangs up with me. It's like I've asked too much of him. Hello. You're my dad. That means you're supposed to do things for me. Regardless of if it takes up time out of your oh so "busy" schedule.
Love: After that last journal entry, I really have been being a better person. I haven't been as snappy and what not. I think it might have just been all bottled up. And uh yeh I was getting pretty irratated with the fact that we hadn't done anything in three weeks because he's been fishing. I had been wanting to go do SOMETHING, anything..other than staying home, but he didn't want because he was too tired or going to be tired for fishing. But last night we went do something, and it was so nice. We got back to his house and I definitely fell asleep in his arms in the recliner. After we discussed what size ring I wear and how badly I want a ring. Even though I know he's not going to buy me one, it's fun to think about when he does. I can't wait to have just a ring, not an engagement ring or anything, on my finger and be like, "Yeh, Jeremy got me this because he loves me *BIG SMILE*" I'm a cheeseball.
Argh. I really have to clean my room and work on some homework.
I don't really feel like it.
I really need to get batteries for my camera.
I just worked out and my legs feel all weak because I never work out..and my abs are going to be sore...and I'm SO going to love it.
I want a supremely hot body for the summer.
ANDOOOOH. I found a bikini at VICTORIA SECRET, for FOURTEEN DOLLARS!! Can we say mine?
Yes, we can :]
- Mood:
cheerful
I've been frustrated lately just with everything that's been going on. I'm trying to so hard in school--it takes up a lot of time. We see each other an hour or two a day--but never just me and you. It's always with someone else, someone looking over our shoulders, someone ALWAYS saying something. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm under a microscope. I can't talk to anyone about it. Nobody wants to hear about me being a moron and starting fights for no other reason than the fact that I can't express to you the way I feel unless I scream it. Nobody understands it. So why bother telling them? When I talk to you about things I feel repeative. I feel like I say the same thing over and over in a bunch of different words--and still it doesn't seem to really matter much at all. I don't know if you really don't listen to me, or if you do and you just don't know how to handle what I'm saying so you just laugh it off. I say it's the second one since you aren't much of a serious talking kind of guy.
And even though all of this sounds like I'm on the verge of letting you go--I'm not. I love you. I just need to vent. I need to tell you that sometimes when you're around certain people you treat me differently. It doesn't REALLY matter. It's just that I want you to know. Maybe you can work on it? Maybe everything isn't all me. Maybe it is. Who knows. All I know is that we're going to do some serious work. I'm going to do some serious work. I don't want to lose you over my stupidity, or anyone elses for that matter. I know I say that I'm trying so hard, but sometimes I don't think you really believe that. I am. I try. Before I called you last night I swore to myself I wouldn't lose my temper. But when you started talking to me.. and then stopped. And didn't say anything for a full 10 minutes because they were talking to you--it lost my grip. I couldn't stand the fact that MY time with you was being interrupted.
I'm selfish. Self-center. Maybe even a little bit cold. Maybe I AM what they said I was. Maybe I am just as bad as they used to tell me I was. Maybe when people call me a bitch and you swear I'm not--maybe they're seeing me for me. Maybe you just don't see that in me because you don't want to. Maybe I really am a good person. Maybe YOU see the real me. I don't know. I need to find myself before anyone else can find me. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. I need a lot of work. I need a lot of help. And I hate putting it on you. I hate asking you to help me be better. I don't know what you can do. I don't know what I can ask you to do. I've asked you for so much already. Sometimes it just hits me that I seriously love you. I really do. I feel it all over me. I feel it when I'm wrestling with you and totally losing. I feel it even when I'm so mad at you that I'm crying and screaming. Nobody ever brought out so many parts of me, good and bad. Nobody has ever stopped to TRY to help. To TRY to forgive. Nobody ever cared that much. I know you love me, but sometimes I start to worry so much that I mess up so much that you'll just say, "You know what Rob? I give up." I dread that. I'm terrified of that. I know I'm asking so much of you for asking you to stay right here. I to just give it time. It's only been a year. I've done so much better. I'm not nearly the same person as I was before. I have relaspes back to who I was before..but I mean. A year can only change so much. I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of worrying about you still being mad. When you go fishing. Go. Don't worry about me. I'm not going to be bothered by it anymore. Okay, at least I'll TRY not to be bothered by it anymore. And if you only call me to tell me goodnight. I'll say it back and tell you I love you before we hang up...and not cry. I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't keep bringing you down, and me down. It's not right to either one of us. So instead of saying sorry, I'm going to say, thank you. Thank you for being here for me everyday. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for kissing me. Thank you for hugging me when I cry. Thank you for being you. Thank you for forgiving. Thank you for never, ever giving up. Thank you for not giving in. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for being Jeremy.
- Location:in thought
- Mood: relieved
- Music:Smile in Your Sleep Sliverstien
