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I'm taking Tamiflu because I got the flu. Well, the stuff makes you have stomach cramps and makes you have nightmares and can even make you have like fits of uncontrolled anger. The ONLY reason I'm still taking it is because I want to feel better for Tuesday. That's when we leave for New Orleans :]. But yeh--that Tamiflu crap--man, I'm not too sure about it. Eh.
Saturday night my mom called me at work and told me that my dad's dad (well, my stepdad) had clasped while visiting family in Florida and that they thought he had had a stroke. Well, about an hour later, my dad calls me and tells me he's on his way to Florida to go meet them. He told me that it wasn't look too good and that they were saying if he lived he would be paralyzed on the right side and wouldn't be able to talk. Saturday morning my dad called me to tell me that he had died and he started to cry. It broke my heart into a billion pieces. My poor dad :/ But what really made me feel bad was that I didn't cry. I haven't cried. And I know it's because I wasn't close to them anymore and.. I don't know. I just feel terrible that I haven't even cried. I feel so incredibly bad for my dad. And I won't even be there for my dad for the funeral because I'll be in New Orleans. Honestly though, I don't think I could handle another funeral. Matt just died 5 months ago. When I was in the 7th grade, both of my grandfathers died. Before that my mom had a baby girl who died. I just.. man, I can't do funerals anymore. It's just too much death. Especially since sometimes I still struggle to except that Matt's dead.
Blah.
Good news: Tonight we're going eat out for Jeremy's birthday and Kasey's coming sleep over. Tomorrow Kasey, Allie and I are going shopping and I'm getting my nails done and getting Jeremy his cookie cake for his 21st birthday :] I'm so ready to give him his surprise tonigggght :]
- Location:the living rooooom
- Mood:
calm - Music:I'm watching ANTM
Last night I was really feeling depressed. I've been like that the last week or so. [PMS is stupid] So anyway, last night I was blubbering away. I mean sobbing, for no reason at all. And I just kept telling Jeremy I was sad. I wanted to spend the day with him today--but he was going fishing. Which I knew, but then there was the chance that he wasn't going. So I, like a moron, got my hopes up and started planning things for us to do. He calls me after he gets off of work and told me that he WAS going. So then I was all down and out. And for the rest of the time on the phone I was feeling crappy. Well anyway, we got off the phone around 10:15. I fell asleep right after that--then my phoen starts ringing at about 10:55. It was Jeremy, he was calling to make sure I was alright. Now, he NEVER does that. When we get off the phone, he goes to sleep and that's the end of that. It meant SO much to me. He kept telling me how much he loved me and he asked me if made me happy that he called to check on me. It really, really did. Now, I was half asleep so I didn't really know what to say, but when I woke up and remembered it made me feel so awesome. I think I fell in love all over again :D
So far midterm grades are as followed:
Economics - B
GIS - A
Microword - B
I'm still not sure about Access and Excel, but I should have a B in each of those classes. I say that's good enough, even though I need to pick up the grades so I at least have 3 A's.
Blah, well, I guess I can stop putting it off and get to Opelousas and start looking for apartments...
- Location:computer lab
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:the people talking around me
It takes too long to get to Baton Rouge. When I have too much time on my hands.. I do stuff like that.
Wow. I've been busy. Very busy. Just doing everything you should be doing during the summer. Blah, lately I haven't been able to do all that much, but I don't feel like getting in to it. Let's just say: DRAMA.
So instead of ranting endlessly about the people I work with, family, and all that other silly stuff, let's make this a picture update!
( I finally gave in: Bennigans && Nitetown. )
Yesterday I went to Blue Bayou!
( Let's get wet! ;] )
And finally, some long awaited pictures of me and the boyfriend =]
( You make me feel at home no matter where we are )
Jeremy,
I love you, babe.
You make me feel as if I can make it through anything.
You're there.. from the highest of highs, to the very lowest of lows.
You don't judge me, you don't fault me.
You love me.
For the stupid little tantrums, for the loving kisses.
For the bad attitude, for the playful moments.
You love it all.
And I love you so much for it.
I can't wait til the day we have it all.
I can't wait til we can fall asleep every night together.
And wake up every morning to bed head, smelly breath and even morning wood [hahaha].
I want it all, the good and the bad.
I love yu.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:fergie
I made a 75 C on that math test.
I have a 78.9% in that class.
One more test.
All I want is a B in that class.
Talk.
You can even Myspace me
Just keep me entertained, pleaseeee.
- Location:;adlfkjad
- Mood:
bored to tears
I haven't felt the urge to update.
I've did really stupid things before I started dating Jeremy. Now it's hard to forgive myself even though everyone else has moved on and forgotten it [for the most part]. But I can't forgive myself. I feel such like a whore. I want to forgive me. I just don't know how.
Spring break has been okay.
It got really cold the last day or so.
It's really crappy. I wanted to tan.
Unforunately, that's not happening.
I'm bummed.
Jeremy's going to Grand Isle Sunday-Tuesday.
I'm going to be lost, bored, and lonely.
Ah I love that boy so much it's hard to even explain.
That's why I have so much trouble forgiven myself as said in the above paragraph.
I feel like I let him down, even though that's not true.
He knows what I've done, he's embraced me for all my flaws, and loves me even though.
But I can vouch for the fact that even if everything is incredible, and even if you have someone there to love you---you can still find it hard to love yourself.
- Location:Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind.
- Mood:
drained - Music:TV
There's so much going on in my family life. I don't even know where to begin. I'm irked. Really bad, by this girl who lives across the yard in a trailer my grandmother rents out. I get so irratated by the fact that my mom spends so much time with her. Talks to her all the time. She never bothers to make time for me anymore. Hell yes I'm jealous. Hell yes I want that girl to move far from here. If you knew her, you'd say the same thing. She makes me mad. I think she's telling my mom I've been skipping class to go see Jeremy. Well, SOMEONE has been telling her that. I haven't skipped a day all semester except for last Wednesday. I only skipped because the weather was supposed to be bad. Let me tell you, I was pissed. I think she'd be the only one to tell my mom that. And believe me, it's pushing me to the end of my rope. I can't stand her. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't like her. REALLY.
My emotions have been draining me lately. I've been so angry. So hurt by everything. I don't know what to do with myself. I need spring break--now. I need a break from studying, from doing homework, from worrying about grades. I need to spend a whole week in Jeremy's arms, but I CAN'T because our spring breaks are different. And I'm worrying. I always worry. I'm worrying about him going to Grande Isle for his spring break. I'm going to miss him terribly and worry CONSTANTLY until he comes back. Oh jeez, I'm giving myself a headache just thinking about it.
Someone give me tips, fast. I need to be told what the hell to do with myself.
I keep having dreams about being kidnapped. I looked it up online, and this is what it said it means:
To dream that you are being kidnapped, denotes feelings of being trapped and restricted. Someone or some situation may be diverting your concentration and your attention away from your goals.
I've seriously have about 4 dreams total in the last two weeks about being kidnapped. Each time it's different. First time, I was somewhere.. dark.. and they kidnapped me and held me in a dark, scary room. Then just let me go. Second one, we were living in a haunted house--and these women kidnapped me and wouldn't let me go home..then someone saved me. Third one..I can't remember, but there was a third one. The fourth one was the other night. I was living in the country--where there was like.. nothing. And this man just kidnapped me. I didn't think I would ever make it back home, but once again.. they let me go.
What the hell huh?
I hate dreams that keep coming back.
It bothers me.
OMG. My dog won't stop barking because of that stupid girls kids. I'M LOSING MY MIND I'M SO DAMN ANGRY ALL THE TIME. I'M STAYING WITH A HEADACHE. I CAN'T SEEM TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT ALL THIS NEGATIVITY.
I need those tips on how to get over being so damn angry right now.
- Mood: discontent
- Music:These Tables are Number for a Reason-- P@tD
I've been frustrated lately just with everything that's been going on. I'm trying to so hard in school--it takes up a lot of time. We see each other an hour or two a day--but never just me and you. It's always with someone else, someone looking over our shoulders, someone ALWAYS saying something. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm under a microscope. I can't talk to anyone about it. Nobody wants to hear about me being a moron and starting fights for no other reason than the fact that I can't express to you the way I feel unless I scream it. Nobody understands it. So why bother telling them? When I talk to you about things I feel repeative. I feel like I say the same thing over and over in a bunch of different words--and still it doesn't seem to really matter much at all. I don't know if you really don't listen to me, or if you do and you just don't know how to handle what I'm saying so you just laugh it off. I say it's the second one since you aren't much of a serious talking kind of guy.
And even though all of this sounds like I'm on the verge of letting you go--I'm not. I love you. I just need to vent. I need to tell you that sometimes when you're around certain people you treat me differently. It doesn't REALLY matter. It's just that I want you to know. Maybe you can work on it? Maybe everything isn't all me. Maybe it is. Who knows. All I know is that we're going to do some serious work. I'm going to do some serious work. I don't want to lose you over my stupidity, or anyone elses for that matter. I know I say that I'm trying so hard, but sometimes I don't think you really believe that. I am. I try. Before I called you last night I swore to myself I wouldn't lose my temper. But when you started talking to me.. and then stopped. And didn't say anything for a full 10 minutes because they were talking to you--it lost my grip. I couldn't stand the fact that MY time with you was being interrupted.
I'm selfish. Self-center. Maybe even a little bit cold. Maybe I AM what they said I was. Maybe I am just as bad as they used to tell me I was. Maybe when people call me a bitch and you swear I'm not--maybe they're seeing me for me. Maybe you just don't see that in me because you don't want to. Maybe I really am a good person. Maybe YOU see the real me. I don't know. I need to find myself before anyone else can find me. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. I need a lot of work. I need a lot of help. And I hate putting it on you. I hate asking you to help me be better. I don't know what you can do. I don't know what I can ask you to do. I've asked you for so much already. Sometimes it just hits me that I seriously love you. I really do. I feel it all over me. I feel it when I'm wrestling with you and totally losing. I feel it even when I'm so mad at you that I'm crying and screaming. Nobody ever brought out so many parts of me, good and bad. Nobody has ever stopped to TRY to help. To TRY to forgive. Nobody ever cared that much. I know you love me, but sometimes I start to worry so much that I mess up so much that you'll just say, "You know what Rob? I give up." I dread that. I'm terrified of that. I know I'm asking so much of you for asking you to stay right here. I to just give it time. It's only been a year. I've done so much better. I'm not nearly the same person as I was before. I have relaspes back to who I was before..but I mean. A year can only change so much. I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of worrying about you still being mad. When you go fishing. Go. Don't worry about me. I'm not going to be bothered by it anymore. Okay, at least I'll TRY not to be bothered by it anymore. And if you only call me to tell me goodnight. I'll say it back and tell you I love you before we hang up...and not cry. I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't keep bringing you down, and me down. It's not right to either one of us. So instead of saying sorry, I'm going to say, thank you. Thank you for being here for me everyday. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for kissing me. Thank you for hugging me when I cry. Thank you for being you. Thank you for forgiving. Thank you for never, ever giving up. Thank you for not giving in. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for being Jeremy.
- Location:in thought
- Mood: relieved
- Music:Smile in Your Sleep Sliverstien
I'm dating Jeremy.
I'm the one he calls every night.
Hugs, kisses, loves.
And still I'm jealous of some girl, because he said she's prettier than me.
Okay, so yeh it is more complicated than that.
But still, why should I be jealous? I mean, there's no reason.
What's wrong with me?
Ahhhh I hate being jealous. It's a stupid feeling. It's meaningless and ridiculous.
[sigh]
I gotta get over it.
School: Is fine. I spent all day Saturday working on homework. I actually cried for an hour because I couldn't figure it out. I brought it to my mom, she's like oh this is easy--and we hurrily finish everything. I was like well, gee, if I woulda came to her first--problem would have been solved.
Love: More than great. Jeremy's amazing, and he never ever ceases to stop amazing me. He definitely makes me feel like I can do absolutely anything I decide I want to do. And he pushes me to be the person he KNOWS I can be--the person I doubt I can be. He's always been there to pick me up when I'm about to fall-and he's changed me to the person I am now. If he wouldn't have talked to me 3 years ago--I don't exactly know where'd I be now. Yesterday we were talking about where we were going to go for our honeymoon inbetween kisses. And for some reason I think it was the sweetest/sexiest thing we've ever done. We were talking about going to Aussy. I want to go so bad. I want to see the Great Barrier Reef and just.. see it. I don't know to me it seems beautiful, and not somewhere most people go on their honeymoons. I like being different :]
Anyway. Enough of this marriage and honeymoon talk. It makes me long for a time that won't be here for quite a while now. Sometimes I think about how I want kids, I mean not at this second or anything, but how in a few years I'll be ready to get married and have kids. I worry that Jeremy is just not going to be ready for a long time. Not that I won't wait for him, but gosh, I don't want to wait forever years! But yeh ANYWAY..I'm so bored. I'm trying to make a CD and the damn thing isn't burning right.
Can you believe that there is a possibly for it to be in the 20's in a few weeks. That'll be our HIGHS. It never gets that cold here. I'll have to buy a bigger jacket and all that jazz. There's no way any of the clothes I have now will prepare me for 20 degree weather.
Yeh. I decided I needed another mindless thing to do online, so I have this
I don't really like it though. Facebook is confusing. I rather Myspace.
- Location:gonna be at jeremy's soon
- Mood: jealous
- Music:Le Disko Shiny Toy Guns
