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I've been so tired. It's stressful living here right now. Although I'm barely home--when I am home and my mom is here at the same time as my dad--it's war. Seriously. The tension is so think that I could most definitely catch it and put it in a bag. I should be sad, but I hardly feel an sadness at all. I know this is the best for everyone involved. It's especially good for Daddy--I think he needs to be free. I think this whole thing has been suppressing us all. And it's far from done now. I foresee a very big nasty divorce. I'm glad I'm 20 and out of this, but I hurt for my sister. We aren't close--but I don't know, it doesn't matter. She's going to have such a hard time with this. :/
I know I said this before, but I mean it, I'm disappointed. It's 1:05 AM and my mom's not here. She's with him. And apparently it won't be long before he's here, how will I deal then?
I need to find an apartment. I hate knowing that I'll have to live alone--but that's what I'll be doing here. I'll stick it out for as long as I possibly can, only for the purpose of saving money. I want away from this. I want to start clean, start fresh and live life the way it should be lived. Does that make any sense at all?
I sure am glad I didn't get that Camry.
- Location:bed..far from sleep
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:random
"There's something else you should know..."
"Oh! 3.5 seconds: There's another man."
"How did you know?"
"Well, Mom, you weren't exactly hiding it very well, it wasn't much of a secret. You did a terribl job hiding it."
"Oh.."
McDonalds:
Girl 1:"You mom comes here all the time!"
Girl 2:"Yeh, with your uncle!"
"My uncle? Which one?"
Girl 1:"No! She comes in with that black haired girl."
Girl 2:"Nuh uh, she comes in with a man!"
[Argues about it for a few]
"What does he look like?"
Girl 2:"Red hair...glasses...?"
"Hah, I don't have an uncle who looks like that."
She's pretending like she hasn't done anything wrong. Hasn't committed the worst marital sin, ever. She's nice. Sickeningly nice. This isn't you. Why now, hm? What good will it do now? Am I supposed to not care? Am I supposed to accept it? Am I suppose to act like nothing's wrong?
How disappointing people who are supposed to be role models can be.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
delirious
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
Holdin' me tight
I've got a massive headache and I need to go get my glasses at Walmart but I'm being extremely lazy/almostdespressed to go do it.
Why do bad things come at you hard--but then the good times just slip between your fingers before you have time to soak in them?
Tonight me and Jeremy are supposed to go with Holly to go eat out. I haven't seen her in so long, I miss her.. a lot. However, I'm actually afraid Daddy won't come home and that I'll have to sit with Meagan until Momma gets back :/
Today I realized how I have the coolest/best/most incredible friends ever. Heidi texted me in the middle of class to tell me, "My teacher said moist haha." Now, I HATE that word with a passion [it's so disgusting sounding]. Anyway, this made me laugh so hard. I love it. I love my friends, I really really do.
[I just figured out that I can change the songs on my laptop by pressing the buttons at the top of it :DD that excites me way too much.]
To update on what happened yesterday--well nothing more really. He came home--they argued a lot. And now I'm not quite sure where things stand. I'm moving out if they split. I refuse to pick sides. And anyway--if it comes down to that, I think it's time for me to move on and out. I kind of want to go. To be free. I need to breathe on my own if that makes any kind of sense at all.
I need some more music. Lots more. I only have 20 songs to my nearly 600 on my old laptop :/ How lame.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
drained - Music:Bubbly--Colbie Caillat
For real this time.
My stepdad left my mom today and took my sister.
I'm not staying here--if it really comes down to the big D.. I'll be the big LG. Long gone.
Seriously, this makes me worry that I'll suck at marriage. That I won't be able to keep it together. And when I think of Jeremy, I think of together. I think of marriage, and tall, lanky kids. And a little brick house with a two car garage and a picket fence. I see him working as a surveyor and loving it so much. I see me wasting my eyes away working on the things I love [computers]. I see all that. I want all that. I'm determined to have all that. I don't want to end up like them. I don't want to end up this way. That's why I think it's time for me to be on my own. I guess I'm glad I didn't buy that Camry--I'd be up a creek right now with not a paddle, branch or even a limb in sight.
- Mood:
cold
